Saturday, December 13, 2008

Where do I start?

I'm having trouble expressing myself lately.  Things I think are smart and funny come out dumb and flat.  I think I need a break - from what I'm not sure - but a break.  I need to completely stop and get organized and back where I want to be.  Its driving me insane! Insane I say.  Things that were suppose to be done have not been done - some are completely my fault and some are not.  As much as I would like to blame this whole mess on someone else I could always get off my butt and do it myself.  I just know that I don't have enough time to block off at once to deal with it and I all of a sudden develop ADD when I try to clean.  I hate it.  I start in one room and then go to another to put something up and I do a few things in that room and move to the next, then the next instead of every accomplishing a particular task.  

I just want to have the worry that clouds my mind on a daily basis to blow out the window so that my vision is clear again.  I want to be funny, I want to worry less, I want more experiences than I want more things.  I just have to get there.  

Although I have been purging stuff from my home and my life, I haven't really begun to skim the surface of what needs to be done.  Somewhere somehow I need to chart my path and then start walking.  Some of its lack of motivation, probably due to depression.  I rarely find myself at the bottom of the bipolar spectrum, but I have hit it big time.  I am soooo much more fun manic.  Truly I am.  I want to help my friends too.  I know I'm not the only one having issues, but I feel that I have to figure out my own before I can get to the next step so now I've found I'm not as good a friend as I usually am.  

It may take me a little while to get back to where I need to be.  Maybe over the holidays my spirit will lift.  What I really need is to stomp my foot like a two year old and say my - time that is, and just take it for myself.  But the questions is will I do it?

4 comments:

Bunny Bunster said...

Good luck on your journey!

The Unstable Blogger said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom or at least something witty to say but I dont :( What I can say, though, is that I can relate and I hope you feel better/find your way/do what you feel needs to be done soon.

I suck at this but I hope you get what I'm trying to say... :)

nicoleantoinette said...

"I need to completely stop and get organized and back where I want to be."

Oh hi, me too. So much. How do we accomplish this HUGE feat?

Abby said...

You definately should take some time for yourself and not feel a bit bad about it. Everyone needs a break sometimes. Usually I need one on a daily basis...lol..You will figure things out and probably when you least expect it. Try to relax and let go of your worries. Enjoy the holiday and take a deep breath, things will get easier.