Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The one where I shared too much...

It amazes me sometimes the cycles that life goes through. I am finding myself in a very contemplative state wondering what direction to go and which path to follow. Sometimes I feel like a caged bird that opened its cage and sometimes I feel like a dog chained to a spike - allowed some freedom but limited.

I want to explore something different - find my true space in the universe. I know that sound bizarre because I am over 40 and should know what that is, but I don't. I have spent my life accommodating others. That sounds ridiculous doesn't it? I followed a job path my mother thought was acceptable. I always was afraid of disappointing her. I didn't finish college because I kept being pointed in the business/accounting/teaching direction. I am NOT by any means a left brained individual, but for some reason I felt it was more important to please others than please myself. Not that my mother ever forced her ideas on me, I for some strange reason felt required to follow her hopes for me. Maybe its just a fear of failure, so I follow someone else's ideas I can't fail with my own.

Now I am stuck in a horrible position of not doing what I love. Or even exploring what I like. I have an obligation to my family, one that will always come first as they are the most important people in my life. My husband, although a loud snoring individual, loves me and I want nothing more than to return that love in every way imaginable. My kids are a constant source of joy - even when arguing about who got more snacks or "special time" or who that stupid toy belongs to. My husband would absolutely let me try anything I want - he's that kind of guy. I thank my lucky stars I married him, even though he has an unhealthy obsession with video games and a rather off-color sense of humor and is as quick to temper as I am. I kind of like that off-color sense of humor, not so much the crazy songs he makes up.

I just wish that the economy wasn't so screwed up. That I didn't see the government making incredibly dumb decisions everyday. Where is it that we have to write all this extra crap into bills? Can't we just say NO and do only 1 thing at a time. I feel like we need to rebel against all the excess and just take it one thing/day at a time. I wish I could just do what I wanted instead of being responsible for so much. Yes, I'm trying to avoid cleaning the bathroom. Can you tell? It just frustrates the hell out of me to see so much crap being flung around in the name of all that is good in the world.

I find myself being pulled in a different direction. I've been walking and listening to some incredible music that puts me in a creative mindset. I've lot 10 lbs, I feel better, I want to just be me and not worry about responsibilities so much. Other than those I have to my husband and my kids. Its not that easy. Enjoy life and maybe, just maybe everything will fall into place.


phairhead said...

Congrats on the weight loss! You'll get through this crappy period

The Unstable Blogger said...

oh man...I wish I could put into words how much I can relate to parts of this.

Congrats on the 10lbs!!! :)

Julie said...

Congrats on the 10 lbs. And I hate cleaning the bathroom too. Especially because of the boys (yuk).